I live in a constant state between what I think of as a dream world and reality. I have to make myself conscious of the real world, because often I will just become aware of being here. When I’ve tried to explain this before, people have thought of it as daydreaming, that thing when you are doing something, but your minds somewhere else. Have you ever been driving along and then suddenly realised you’ve arrived? Well, for me, it is not quite the same, I often live in my dream world, I’m aware of it, it is like it is superimposed over my real world. If you know what augmented reality is, then imagine I live with augmented reality. But, there is a subtle difference, I don’t see it as an addition to my world, it is my world.
We all know how real a dream can seem, regardless of how crazy it is, but when we wake it goes with a shrug. For me, I am in my dream, I believe, hear, feel and see it. I am constantly accompanied by my ghost, sounds and feelings. It is only when I become aware of reality, that all is still.
A lot of what I see, hear and feel are repeated over and over, the person in the corner telling me to get up, get up, get up, the talking by the door, those hiding at the bottom of the garden, my mother’s constant talking over my shoulder and those scurrying things darting passed, just out my sight. It is this repetition that makes it possible for me to accept that it is not real. In those moments or my reality, I rationalise the times when I’m not. If that makes sense.
I drift, unconsciously into my dream world and consciously out of it. No one has ever tried to help with this and none of the medication I endure, has ever helped relieve this situation. I dread the thought of becoming unconsciously aware of life and not knowing if I am in a dream, or reality, the two becoming one. I battle with this everyday, every moment and I will continue to do so. By doing the things I’m doing now, I think I am focusing on what I hope is real.