I went out for my daily exercise and got back with no problems. At 8am, I had my first tablets of the day. With a fresh cup of coffee, I sat down to catch up on the news and that was the last thing I remember.
I became aware of the cold surface next to my face. It was a seizure, I knew this, because the feeling is always the same. I had no fear, no concern, I felt empty as though my brain had been flushed, my body felt as if I had just run a marathon as fast as I could and now I just needed to sleep. However, there was something different and something that disturbed this normal, something that scared and brought back the fear! There was no cold nose pushing into my face, no tongue licking me, no paws constantly tapping my hands, my legs or jumping on me. It hit me like a train, Finn was missing. I remember waiting, needing his attention, needing that reassurance and then I remembered he wasn’t there. It was as though I had just lost him again and all the painful feelings and tears came flooding back!
Seizures don’t worry me, or I should say they didn’t. It became clear that having Finn doing his thing, reassured me, comforted me and sort of gave me the ok to sleep. I still had this overwhelming sense of nothing matters, but I cannot remember coming around and Finn not being there. This missing piece, was now a massive black hole and I feel very alone!
I woke up still on the floor, something that I don’t remember happening before, but I remember feeling this empty, carefree almost waiting to step into the light moment, as though rebooted, which was always quite an exhilarating sensation, but now there was this void and I just hope it’s not going to be the same next time, a groundhog day!?
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