I am living life to the extreme. To clarify this, I live in extremes.
I’m not sure if this is normal, but I have been thinking about it for some time. I seem to be in this constant flux of either being in one state or another. Not in what I think of as a typical undulating pattern, but in the extreme. For example:
hot – cold
happy – sad
aware, or not
tired – awake
alert – clueless
active – comatose
Now, these, for me, are everyday things, but I also have those that are not.
I can be extremely aware of my companions, the hallucinations as people like to call them. I hear, see and feel things that accompany me during the everyday. This is normal, but sometimes they seem to abandon me and leave me lost and stressed as hell. Other times, they invade my life in such a way as I can’t breathe without them taking part.
My sense of me is bizarre and extreme too. I look at my hands and see me and be very aware that it is me, but other times it is not. My hands are not mine. As a little me, I’m in my head seeing the World as if isolated, distant, controlling as if in a lapse of time and reacting in a delay.
I can be on a high and nothing bothers me. In these moments, I could cut off a hand and not be worried at all. This is mainly after a seizure. I have broken fingers and had nasty knocks, but I just do not have a care. Then there are those moments where everything and anything dark invades my life. I can wake in tears, fearful, stressed, anxious, panicking, and every bump, noise, a sight I see, seems to just place a big exclamation mark on top of my feelings. This reminds me of when coming off morphine, so I don’t know if this is a residual of that. I tend to want to reach for the morphine, or find some other way of ending this! Very dark and painful!
I suppose the most apparent and debilitating; there are days when I can think, write, consider and even contemplate ideas and thoughts. Then there are those days, where all is haze, a blur and nothing can be grasped!
My life is in extremes, but do you live like this too? Is this normal?
I wished I couldn’t remember and reflect. If it just passed in oblivion, but would that really be better? Am I wishing for the thing that I’m really dreading and is my biggest fear?
In this extreme state of my life, yes and no, black and white are just it, and there is no in-between!
Sometimes, each day can feel like a small century; then others go as if I not even there!
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