It’s around 4 am when I wake. I wake not from sleep, but from sedation. I don’t sleep and dream as you would expect; just moments of nothing with fleeting, unnerving moments of awareness with a body that will not move. Imagine a nightmare, it is dark, very dark, you know that something is there, you try to move away, and your body is just unable to escape! That fear is with me every wistfully, brief and flickering moment of nightlife.
I have no perception of sleep. I’m forever drifting from one moment of fear to another. The time between is just nothing. It is missing, black and dark.
I wake every time to my morning voice, ‘You’ve got to get up, You’ve got to get up, You’ve got to get up!’ relentless until I open my eyes. This is a voice that sits in the corner and has been there as long as I can remember. The voice doesn’t worry me anymore as it once did. It is no longer a stranger. It’s there till I become aware of it being there and I look; he drifts away, and the voice fades with him…
My body is heavy and stiff. I’m aware of all my internal bits and pieces as if every bit is hanging on by a thread; heavy! I’m here in my head, while my body is distant and attached by will power alone.
Several hours will pass where my body and I slowly connect. Exercise can help, but the effort and willpower are so abnormal. I think the activity gets my heart beating, my lungs inflating and the blood flowing around my body, bringing life back it to what feels like a dying carcass. The drug is diluted and chased from my brain, and some form of normality returns for the rest of my day.
The drug is Risperidone!
I’m on a low dose of this every night. Twenty minutes go by from my last lot of tablets, and I’m losing control of me. Bed and nothing awaits, just a nightmare of what is called sleep.
I’ve been coming off Lorazepam because I thought this was the culprit of my night time hell, but then I watched a tv program. ITV’s ‘Tonight’ showed a program about Care and in this Risperidone is mentioned in a way that pierced my consciousness.
‘Risperidone should only be used for a short term, six weeks. It should be reviewed often. It is used as a ‘Chemical Cosh!”
I’ve been on Risperidone for a long time, administered by a nurse. It has never been reviewed, and I’ve never been asked a single question about its impact on my health!
This is the main reason why I do not want to go back to the centre anymore. I look at them, and I see, ‘You’ve been diagnosed, it’s too late, you’re already gone!
Plus I do not want any more drugs to suppress the life I have left.
I’ve had many years with drug after drug being prescribed, by different medical departments. I’ve now decided to reduce as much of my medication as I can.
Lorazepam is the one I’m reducing now, and this is the second month of a four-month reduction plan agreed with my local doctor.
I think my mind is still clear to think, and I’m mentally able; it just takes time. However, it’s my physical being that Risperidone takes from me. It shuts me down, so I look, sound and respond as if in slow motion. I’m sure this makes me appear worse than I am. Risperidone locks me in!
Risperidone is most definitely my next target. I’ll keep you notified of my progress.
In the meantime, if you have any similar experiences, please share them. I want to; I need to, know I’m not just ‘One Demented Man.’ alone!
Please comment on anything I have said. Thank You!
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