I can talk about it now! I can rationalise it now! Twenty-four hours ago, I couldn’t think about it!
My daughter told me that I had to go and have my covid vaccination. The fear hit me straight away! Now, it had nothing to do with the vaccination. I totally agree with this and support it fully! It was everything else that my mind was contemplating could happen in the process of getting it!
I will start by saying, I know this will sound crazy and completely irrational. I agree with you, but then I was in another place.
I fear heights, closed-in spaces, open spaces, people seeing me inside my house from outside, the dark that’s not too dark, and lots of shadows and the list goes on. So, I’m sure you’re getting the picture. People have all sorts of fears, but it is what those fears do to you and how they take away all rational thought!
Imagine if you had to hold a giant spider and you had a fear of spiders? Imagine being forced to stand on a cliff edge, knowing you fear heights? Imagine being stuck in a lift and you have a fear of closed-in spaces? Image your own fear and then think what it would be like if you were forced into that situation?
You see, I live in a bubble, not the covid thing, my own space type bubble. I control everything in it; nothing can change that! I’m happy enough, and all is well, but when something forces that situation to change, those feelings deep down, start to well and grow!
As soon as I was told I had to have the vaccination, my troubles started. I didn’t sleep at all that night. My brain kept darting from one thing to another. In fact, I can’t really say I could pinpoint any one thing; it was if it was the fear itself that was taking control! If I believed in the Devil, I think this would describe it completely!
I try and deal with the situation by pretending that all is well. It is easy enough at a distance, and I’m typing a reply, the written word can hide so much. However, when I’m face to face, it becomes hard to hide that fear.
By the time both my son and daughter arrived, I was a wreck! Waiting for the moment to go was the most horrendous thing. My heart hurt, my head was pounding, I was going quickly into meltdown. I could not sit and wait. I was in the kitchen trying to see something. The longer it went on, the closer I got to the point of refusing to go and then it was time!
Have you ever had that fear I was talking about earlier, when you are frozen to the spot, you cannot move, it is as if your body refuses to function. Then that was me at that moment. The effort was more than any words can describe.
To get to the car was hard, my legs don’t work at the best of times, but now they did not want to do anything. The journey seemed forever. Each moment was growing in fear. We finally arrived, Barry parked up and went inside to check. ‘We can go in now!’ he said, and I was frozen again. He helped me out, and I held his arm into the building. I tried to shut out everything, but I could see people, doors, closed-in spaces.
The next thing I remember was sitting in a small room, someone talking and looking at Barry, just to give me something, someone I knew was real. Then there was a big white room. Lots of people sitting there and I couldn’t go in. There wasn’t any way I was going in there. Why I don’t know, but it wasn’t going to happen. I was sat on a chair, and people kept coming past. The time dragged and dragged.
I was out and sitting in the seat of the car. Between the chair and the car seat, there isn’t anything. The relief of sitting there nearly in my own space was tremendous!
As we made our way back, it was as if that fear was melting away with each foot the closer we got.
For the last few days, nothing seemed to have occupied my mind other than the vaccination, but now that was almost over. Then it hit me, the last time I sat in this car, I was holding my beautiful Finn for the last time! Why is hurt, pain and fear, so strong and so hard to suppress?
I was inside, in my bubble, almost in control, and the weight was lifted. I smiled to myself inside; I had beaten that fear again!
I’m not sure what is the worse thing, that moment of uncontrollable terror, or being able to revisit that dread in a rational mind! I keep reliving it now, and it will keep going over and over as if a reminder poking my conscious that there will be the next time.
Writing it down helps me see the irrationality of the situation, but it’s like telling yourself, you know dreams are not real, but when you are dreaming!
I have to find other things to do, occupy my mind and live again.
I fear the fear itself. Will it become all-consuming. Is this what will happen. Will my life be lost in fear for all my days?
I have to fight this; I cannot allow fear to take my life away!
You may ask, why am I sharing this? If I don’t, no one else will ever know and maybe you knowing helps!
Please comment on anything I have said. Thank You!
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