I tried to explain my feelings and fear the other day when I went for my vaccination. That feeling is sticking with me; it’s further back, but still there. I’m hoping with time it will go away. It is strange when a feeling, thought, hurt, and pain can linger long after the moment has gone. It is also true that those things that have never happened but believe might can instil the same fear just as great! For me, it is about going into care. I’m terrified of this, and even though my son and daughter have assured me that it will never happen, it sits there, deep in my mind and causes that constant dread.
I was asked if the thoughts and fears about going for my vaccination were as bad as I thought they would be? At that moment, they were just as bad, if not worse. It was the out of control aspect. The things are going on, that happens regardless. I can look back now and say it wasn’t as bad; I got my injection and I was out. Having Barry, there was the link between this thing going on and my reality. I couldn’t have done this alone, and this gives me great cause for concern. Am I getting worse?
I realised that I’m in a bubble and inside that, I’m in control, safe and happy enough!
A strange thing struck me; I do go out! I go out on my wheelchair for exercise, and I can cope with that, in fact, I find that better than being here, in this place that I live.
That bubble analogue holds true when I’m out exercising in my wheelchair. I’m almost in a cocoon. I’m in control; it is my space, no one, or anything can get in!
I’ve always been pushy when out; I always want to go a bit further; I bit faster, a bit longer! What happened the other day, that fear thing, I think this is another dimension to my going out in my chair. I’ve been thinking about it more and more!
I’ve lived in a few places on my own, including a motorhome, boat and even the back of a garage. I’ve always felt happy, safe and content with what I called my home. The back of the garage was perfect.
This place is different. It’s cold, dark and not my home. It is just somewhere I have to live. Don’t get me wrong, it is a nice place, and it seems to have all the elements that I need, but it’s not home! I wouldn’t say I like the place, not because of what it looks like, but something else. This is where the crazy parts start. There is something about it that is not friendly; I always feel something is here with me. Finn would always be near me when no one else was here. He even preferred to sleep on the bed with me, than being on the floor. Then there was the time, my neighbour said he would cry and make a noise when I went out on my trike. Did this happen? I’m not sure, but I know Finn was never stressed when left alone, he always knew I would be back soon.
Now I get back to me being out exercising in my wheelchair. I enjoy being out, but I don’t want to come back here. I could easily keep going! There is always something imposing as I approach. It looks unfriendly. When I first go in, I feel like something is inside everytime. I told you it was crazy! Is this my dementia getting a greater hold on my reality! Am I going Mad?
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