I’ve talked about this before, but it is something that seems to plague my days.
There seem to be two states of being conscious. First, part of us is aware of our own body and the environment we live in. Second, there is that state where we know we are conscious. Let me try again. To be self-aware is to be mindful of thinking and thoughts and question them. A baby doesn’t have self-awareness. They are just aware of being hungry, needing to be changed and don’t doubt this.
Ok, enough of me going on. So here is the reason for me talking about being self-aware. I’m conscious of me, but strangely. I look around me, and my bedroom has all the usual things in it, but they are just objects on a set. It is the same when I look at my hand or any part of me; I know they belong to me, but they still seem distant, separate. I live in my head. I see the world as if I’m inside looking out, and I interact with the world with that second awareness level that I tried to explain above. I’m ultra-aware of things happening within me. When something is not right, it takes over me completely.
I wished I wasn’t so self-aware and could live in the moment, or passing moments of life without this constant stopping, with shuddering thoughts of doubt, fear, dread and questioning! This is what it is like being aware of my Dementia. Dementia is just the label given to it by people that don’t know any different.
The strange thing about this is I live in what I call my Dream World. We all know that moment when waking from a dream and think, ‘How crazy was that and how totally impossible!’ But, in the dream, it is as natural as your every waking moment! Well, that is how I live my day. It is as if I am constantly waking up or that moment of waking. This is where my ultra self-awareness kicks in. I become instantly aware of what has happened, like that moment of waking from a dream, and reflect and question and rationalize. This is something that we don’t do when coming out of a dream. It is more likely the dream will fade as quickly as you try to remember it.
I don’t know if people who have hallucinations, hear voices, have feelings that don’t relate to reality, and all the other million and one things that I’m not sure are real or not, are aware of them. Is it that they are conscious of them but only react as they are within their environment now? For me, I’m aware of them at that moment, and they are as real to me as any dream is absolute, but after, I’m even more aware, and I can look back and question?
It seems that my two states of consciousness conflict, and I’ll switch between the two.
This is why I can write about things happening to me. I can reflect and feel and then try to express my daily life. I’m my own Robinson Crusoe, lost on an island that is my body in my dream world.
I keep looking back when I was me then, but then I realize that that moment must be me now too!
There must be others that know what I’m talking about? Are you more than aware?
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